The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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