maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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