I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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