god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
