Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
