So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
