I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
