it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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