just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
