I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
