I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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