If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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