its not stalking. its research.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
