I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
