You can't motorboat a personality
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
