so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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