so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
