I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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