if i can run in heels then i can drive
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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