That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
