mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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