I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
