Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
