I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
