so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
