im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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