so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
