You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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