She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
