So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
