So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
