I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
