Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
