I am spending my child support on dildos
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
