Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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