Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
