you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Congratulations! We have a period
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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