Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
