she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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