my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
