ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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