Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize