two words...techno handjob
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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