I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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