She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
