Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
