Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
