Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
