Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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