i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Houston, we have a blender
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
