i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was confusing and full of hummus
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
